A Safe Space!
After reading my previous note, I hope you spent some time preparing and reflecting on how you’d have that uncomfortable conversation. I hope you pondered the dynamics that led to the disagreement in the first place. I hope you took the time to reflect on your emotions and biases to ensure you approach the conversation (regardless of whom you are having it with) open-mindedly and without judgment.
To buttress the second step I often take when having hard conversations, I will tell a story about my relational spousal experience around my kitchen dining table:
If you are in a spousal relationship or one with a significant other, you’d understand that small conflicts about household responsibilities, finances, or even how to discipline the kids could often spiral into arguments. But when having these moments, have you ever thought of the space you host your disagreements?
In the past, my spousal arguments would sometimes happen in various areas in the kitchen, living room, and other times in our bedroom, which left me feeling uneasy in those spaces afterward tracking and noticing the pattern. Soon everywhere the conflict occurred, it was beginning to look like we were putting an energy signature that didn’t serve us on these spaces—our home, sanctuary, a place of refuge was slowly becoming a minefield of stamped tension escalation.
One day, after a particularly frustrating argument, I suggested something new: "What if we had a specific spot where we go to talk things out instead of arguing all over the house?" Agreeably, my spouse was intrigued. He bought into the idea of having a dedicated space where our discussions would be focused and purposeful. After thinking about it, we agreed it’d be the kitchen dining table. Why, you ask? It was the space we had tracked with the highest number of conflicts.
The Kitchen Dining Space!
The kitchen is the heart of our home. It is where we shared meals, where our kid hangs around to do reading (sometimes), and where our family conversations naturally flowed. The dining table, in particular, is a central spot where we connected as a family. In fact, it is where I am seated today, writing to you. Amidst the disagreements that arise, it is where we sometimes pray as a family. So, it felt neutral—neither too formal like the living room nor too private like the bedroom. Most importantly, it was the place we already associated with being together.
Over time, we made a pact and formed a habit around it: whenever we had an issue or disagreement that needed to be addressed, we would go to the kitchen dining table. It became our dedicated "resolution space" where we could sit face-to-face or side-by-side and talk through calmly.
The Transformation!
One evening, after a stressful day, we found ourselves slightly at odds over how to handle our son's expressions at school. I was quite frustrated because I felt we were too passive at handling the issue, while my spouse thought we were being too strict. Normally, this kind of disagreement would have quickly escalated into a full-blown argument in the living room. But instead, my spouse paused and said, “Let’s take this to the table.”
There was a huge sigh—a deep breath of fresh air that flowed through my lungs. We all went to the kitchen and sat down at the dining table. The moment we sat, something shifted. The physical act of moving to the table signaled to us that this wasn’t just another argument—we were there to resolve it. We had prior to this day developed three hard rules for the kitchen table: take turns when speaking to be heard, speak respectfully, and focus on understanding rather than winning. By the end of the conversation, we found a middle ground (no matter how hard it seemed). A fair consequence for our son’s actions was taken, something that didn’t always happen when we argued in other parts of the house in the past.
At the Table!
There is something powerful that happens at the table. I am reminded of how Jesus ate with the tax collectors and sinners, but he also spent time at the table with Pharisees and the religious observant, reaching out to both groups. Like Jesus, this table symbolizes inclusion! Soon the kitchen dining table became our go-to spot whenever something needed to be discussed. Whether it was a disagreement over finances, family plans, or even small irritations that had built up over time, we took it to the table. The physical space became symbolic for us. It wasn’t just about sitting at the table; it was about knowing we had to be committed to resolving whatever was bothering us. All one of us needs to say or hear is “Let’s talk at the table.” As soon as we sat down, the tension began to melt away and we’d know that this wasn’t a place for holding grudges but to listen.
Create a Safe Space!
Our decision to dedicate the kitchen table to transform our conflicts has a ripple effect on our entire home. The living room, which used to feel like the battleground, is a place of relaxation and pleasure. The bedroom, which had once been the site of late-night arguments, returned to being a sanctuary for intimacy and rest. The kitchen table had absorbed the role of conflict resolution, freeing up the rest of our home to serve its true purpose: a space for comfort, connection, and peace.
Establishing a safe and respectful environment or space is crucial for productive dialogues. Choose a neutral location in your home, workplace, or spaces where all involved parties feel comfortable. This could be the couple’s love seat, a corner, a time (whatever suits you). This simple act of moving to a designated space can shift the energy of your interactions, turning what could have been destructive arguments into productive conversations. It will help you separate problem-solving from the rest of your daily lives, creating a clear boundary between resolving issues and enjoying your home, office, community, spaces, and ultimately lives. Afterward, concretely set ground rules for the conversation, such as active listening, no interruptions, and mutual respect (you name it).
In my household, our kitchen table is more than just a piece of furniture—it is a symbol of our commitment to each other and to working through unresolved issues with patience, respect, and love. I hope you have the same. Build Yours!
Until next time, dearest one!
