Conflict Igniters
It’s the first day of the eighth month. Welcome! August is my favorite month because it symbolizes a new beginning for me, not just because it is my birth month, but also because its energy deeply matches my soul energy—the law of my being.
As with anything, it often begins with making agreements with ourselves to meet our goals, no matter how small or large they appear.
And as humans, especially in this early phase of the month, we often come up with to-do lists that later translate and end up in a spiral of woulda, coulda, shoulda—expressions that denote dismissiveness concerning a situation, expectation toward a course of action, or disappointment at missed opportunities.
I suggest eliminating these three phases from your spoken and thought-out vocabulary: Woulda… Coulda… Shoulda… Also referred to as "would have," "could have," or "should have."
As the new month begins or we get closer to the remaining months of the year, do you have a long list of things you would, could, should, or have to do?
Do you ever find yourself saying things like, "I have to go to complete this project," "I should have gone home to let the dog out," "I could have known better watching that movie," or "I would have avoided this if permitted"?
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Know this! Every time you tell yourself that you have to do something, you disconnect yourself from the needs you’re trying to meet, and you diminish the joy in your life. You open yourself to accommodating inner conflicts that spiral into self-judgment and condemnation.
Try to translate your "shoulds," "coulds," "woulds," and "have tos" into the needs you are attempting to fulfill.
Translating “I have to go to complete this project” into “I’m going to complete this project because I value the income it provides my family and the contribution I offer the world” is more empowering. Similarly, saying "I'm going home to let the dog out because I want her to be comfortable" or "Next time, I will prioritize watching the movie might meet needs for ease, comfort, fun, and rest" or can bring more joy to tasks.
Once you connect with the need you’re trying to meet, you might change your mind about doing a particular activity or task. You might call your teenage neighbor and ask if she’d help walk the dog. Or you may decide that your real need is to rest, complete the project you're working on, or connect with a friend.
Other times, just connecting to the need you’re trying to meet by your behaviors can avoid the inner conflict you have with yourself and release you from the dreaded doldrums of wouldas, couldas, and shouldas.
